


Recurring Nightmare

by Mystieris



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Adult Dipper Pines and Mabel Pines, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bill Cipher is a Jerk, Bill has no concept of boundaries, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Dipper has no filter, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, God Bill Cipher, God Time Baby, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Human Bill Cipher, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mabel is 1000 percent done, Manipulation, Manipulative Bill Cipher, Manipulative Relationship, Multi, Mystery, Mystery Shack, Nudity, Post-Canon, Post-Prison, Psychological Trauma, Reincarnation, Returning to Gravity Falls, Sexual Humor, Tags May Change, Time Travel, Triangle Bill Cipher, overlapping relationships, physical comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:47:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27547075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystieris/pseuds/Mystieris
Summary: After Stan’s memories of Weirdmaggedon return, the Time Police inform now 21 year old Dipper and Mabel of Time Baby’s decree that they are to foster a reincarnated and magically restrained Bill for his probation following a 3,000 year incarceration for his crimes against the Earth.
Relationships: Bill Cipher/Dipper Pines, Bill Cipher/Ford Pines, Gideon Gleeful/Mabel Pines, Pacifica Northwest/Dipper Pines
Comments: 12
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

At the end of the day in the Mystery Shack, Mabel sat in front of the TV, snuggled up in a crocheted blanket and watching some sitcom as she ate popcorn out of a bowl. Waddles sat at her feet, lifting his head occasionally to munch on the kernels Mabel had dropped, either accidentally or intentionally. She laughed along with the laugh track as a disheveled Dipper barreled down the hall, pulling on a dress shirt, leaving a flannel shirt on the floor.

“Crap! Pacifica’s gonna kill me! I was supposed to meet her at Greasy's fifteen minutes ago!” He opened the front door to find it was lightly sprinkling outside. He started looking around for an umbrella. "Ugh. I can't show up wet…”

Mabel pressed the mute button on the TV and jumped up, throwing the blanket to the side and knocking the bowl of popcorn on the floor. Waddles immediately stood and shoved his face into the spilled corn, happily munching away. “Oh! Wait. I forgot. She came to the shop earlier and told me she had to cancel your guys’ date. Something about a family emergency? She was really disappointed with having to cancel.”

Having found a raincoat, Dipper dropped it on the floor and walked into the living room, “Mabel! Why didn’t you tell me?! Why didn’t she _text_ me?” He pulled out his phone. “Oh. Wait. She did.”

“Sorry. I literally had an entire little league baseball team come in right as she left. Wendy and I were overwhelmed and it just-”

Mabel was interrupted as a time door opened in the doorway and two armed agents stepped through and stood on either side to give way to Dundgren. Waddles squealed and ran out to the gift shop.

“Dipper and Mabel Pines?” Dundgren eyed the twins.

“Yes?” Dipper responded as both twins looked over in surprise.

Dundgren pulled out an official looking document and began reading from it “By Time Baby’s decree, Prisoner TC-29121239168518 is to be put into the care of Dipper and Mabel Pines for the duration of his probation.”

“What? Who? Why?” Mabel tiled her head different directions.

“Your family has been declared an accessory to the prisoner’s crimes, therefore your punishment is to care for the prisoner for the foreseen future and... generally keep him out of the multiverse’s hair.”

Dipper growled with impatience, “And just who is this prisoner?!”

“Oh stop leaving the kids in suspense!” A chill ran down the twins’ spines as they heard an all too familiar shrill laughter and a tall, blonde haired man in full formal dress in hues of black and yellow was pushed in through the time door by Lolph. He was tied down by several restraints, but despite them he tried to lunge towards the twins. His single yellow, cat-like right eye peered at them as he laughed hysterically briefly before Lolph pulled on his restraints and Dundgren pressed a button on a remote causing the restraints to electrocute him. With a grunt of pain, he quickly collapsed to the floor, disappearing in a puff of smoke and turning into a miniature, child-like version of the same man, now sleeping, the restraints adjusting to his new size.

Lolph picked the chibi man up and placed him in Mabel’s arms. Almost immediately Dipper snatched the man out of her arms by the collar and shoved him in Dundgren’s face. The jostling caused the man to wake up again and he fluttered his eyes open. 

“You better not tell me this… _thing_ is who I think it is!” Dipper cried as he continued to shake the man.

The man chuckled weakly, “Oh I’m exactly who you think I am, Pine Tree. Now can you put me down? I’m tired...”

Dipper let go of him, frozen in shock. Bill dropped to the floor where he wormed his way onto Mabel's blanket and fell asleep. Mabel reached forward and pulled Bill into her arms briefly before Dipper broke from his shock and rushed forward, grabbing Dundgren by the collar. “Are you kidding me?! You’re telling me you had him in prison and you’re letting him out?! Is Time Baby insane?!”

“Unfortunately,” Dundgren answered as he gripped Dipper's wrists to force him to let go. “Not even the full authority of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron has the resources to keep a being of his power incarcerated indefinitely. We kept him locked up as long as we could.” 

“So leave him in a shack in the middle of the woods under the care of two young adults he has tried to murder on multiple occasions?!” Dipper stomped around, making frustrated hand gestures, looking for something he could punch. Bill cackled, watching him.

“Regardless of your protests, once Time Baby has spoken, it is law.” He turned to Bill. “And you. Keep in mind that you have a meeting with your probation officer every week. Stay out of trouble."

Bill hopped out of Mabel's arms, turning back into his adult form and bowed best he could under the restraints, "Oh but of course!" 

Lolph stepped forward and removed the restraints from Bill's shoulders, arms, hips and legs, but kept the one around his neck, meanwhile Dundgren handed the remote to Mabel. As soon as the Time Agents left, Dipper stormed into the kitchen, ripping the refrigerator open, grabbed a bottle of beer, opened it and began chugging it down.

Bill floated in behind him, “Whoa, kid. Slow down!”

Dipper ripped the bottle from his mouth and turned sharply towards Bill with a death glare. “Slow down? Slow down?! You of _all people_ think you have the right to tell me how to handle my pain after the _garbage_ you have put me through? I have been in therapy for the past eight years for everything you put our family through! Put _me_ through! Put the whole goddamned _town_ through! Mabel and I had to move here for high school because no one outside this town would believe me! My therapist in California tried to have me committed! Was convinced I just had an over-active imagination! Do you know how insane ‘a dream demon possessed my body and tried to sabotage a puppet show put on my sister to destroy a journal then planned to throw my body off a water tower’ sounds to a psychiatric professional?!” 

He paused briefly, throwing the bottle that still had a sip or two left in it to the floor; he turned back to the fridge and grabbed a second bottle, starting the routine over. After a moment he pulled the bottle down and paused, catching his breath. He let out a small chuckle through his sobs. “And then, when I’m finally on the road to recovery and starting to live a normal life again, the freaking Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron says it’s my job to fucking _babysit you_?!”

He threw the second bottle to the floor, this one shattering, spilling its remaining contents. The two stared at one another in silence as Dipper breathed out heavily. After a moment of silence, Bill glared and folded his arms, “What, am I supposed to feel guilty or something? Do you think I wanted to be in this set up any more than you do? You and your damn family were the last beings in all of existence I _ever_ wanted to see again! I’m under court order just as much as you are! At least _you’re_ not under house arrest!”

“What…?” Dipper braced himself as Bill bolted past him and opened the window, reaching his hand out as a bright force field flashed around inside and outside the shack, throwing him back and turning him back to his chibi form.

“See what I mean? I literally cannot leave this building.” He folded his arms as he floated over to Dipper, circling around his head once before lifting his head and gesturing at the collar around his neck. “My fancy new necklace sees to that. It works together with that ward you meatsacks put on this place eight years ago. Now instead of keeping me out, it keeps me in.”

“Well to me it sounds like we just need to make the best of a terrible situation,” Mabel said as she picked up Bill and cradled him. “C’mon. We’ll set you up in the attic room.”

“Mabel, what are you- Don’t-!”

“Well, he’s stuck here. Where else do you suggest we put him?” She gestured down the hall. “Your room?”

“Hell no. I don’t want him anywhere near my research!”

Mabel gestured to herself, “My room?”

Dipper glared as he noticed Bill grin at this suggestion, “...I’d rather have him in my room.”

“The basement?”

“That's worse than our rooms! All mine and Grunkle Ford's work is down there! Who knows what he could do with that stuff!"

“The gift shop?” Mabel asked.

“I just assume he can sleep on the living room floor like a cat.”

“Exactly. Might as well give him our old bedroom!”

\---------------

Around the same time at the Stan o’ War II somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, it had been clear day on the open ocean as the sun was nearly set. Ford turned on the deck lights and drew some sort of device out of the water, checking a display on its surface and returning it to the water, writing the results down in a journal. Suddenly he heard Stan let out a loud scream from inside.

“Stanley!” Ford cried out as he ran into the kitchen where Stan was hunkered down against the stove, clasping to his head, a look of sheer terror on his face. Ford rushed to his side, placing his hands protectively on his brother’s shoulders. When Stan detected the movement on his shoulders he jumped to his feet and grabbed Ford by the collar.

“Why?! Why didn’t you tell me about… about… _Him_.” Stan collapsed back to the floor and began shaking. Ford took pause for a moment as a look of realization washed over his face. He then knelt back down, placing a hand gently on Stan’s head.

“Truth be told, I had hoped that he would be the one memory that would never return for you.” Standing back up, Ford reached into the cupboard, looking for something when a time door opened in front of the doorway between the kitchen and the cabin. Lolph and Dundgren stepped through.

“Stanford Pines?”

Ford turned and faced the policemen, “I am Stanford Pines.”

“Under Time Baby’s command, your niece and nephew have been charged to look after prisoner TC-29121239168518. You were also charged with accessory to his crimes, namely willingly allowing yourself to be possessed by him on multiple occasions, and building a portal for him.”

Ford's eyes widened in disbelief, “Wait, you did _what_?! Where is he now?!”

“In the charge of Dipper and Mabel Pines.”

“You… left those kids to take care of that _monster_?!” Ford grabbed at Lolph and rammed him against the wall.

Lolph grabbed Ford's wrists and pulled him away, “For your charge, your responsibility to the prisoner’s probation-”

“I don’t give a damn!" Ford slapped Lolph's hands away, turned away and knelt before Stan with a softer, but still stern face. "Stanley, I know you’re not in the best condition right now, but tie down what you can. We’re going back to Oregon! Now!"

He turned back to Lolph and Dundgren, " _You two_ can see yourselves out!”

Stan slowly stood and started moving the clean dishes to their spots tied down in the cupboard as Ford stormed back out, heading towards the helm. Lolph and Dundgren turned to each other and shrugged.

“Well, he’s going to figure it out once he gets there…” Dundgren placed a remote similar to the one given to Mabel on the counter next to Stan. The two left and the time door closed behind them. Stan looked over at the remote and picked it up, pressing the button. Nothing happened.

\---------------

The next morning, the gift shop of the Mystery Shack was empty. Mabel leaned over the counter next to the register with her head in her hand. She stared blankly at Dipper, who was standing at the doorway with a bottle in his hand, glaring out at the woods and mumbling to himself.

Mabel sighed, “You know, bro-bro. None of us are too happy about this arrangement, and I understand how you feel, really I do. I'm in this with you. But can you please have your existential crisis somewhere else? You’re scaring away potential customers.”

Dipper let out a heavy breath, “Fine.” He turned around only to be face-to-face with Bill. Dipper screamed and stumbled backwards; he would have fallen into the door if Wendy hadn’t just opened it. Instead he fell onto the porch flat on his back, the bottle bouncing and rolling into the grass. Bill floated into a roll and laughed hysterically as Mabel sighed and Wendy looked calmly between the three.

“Good morning…?” She looked over at the bottle in the grass. “Dude. Are you still drinking? I mean, I get it, this asshole is a handful even without the demonic powers of chaos, but it’s not even 10 o’clock!”

“How…?” Dipper rubbed his head as he sat up, looking up at Wendy quizzically. She offered her hand out to help him up, he used it and the doorframe to brace himself as he pushed himself to his feet.

“You were passed out drunk here on the sales floor last night,” Mabel cried out, moving some merchandise around. “And Bill wouldn’t lift a finger to help me…”

Bill laughed, “It was too much fun watching you drool and talk in your stupor.”

Mabel glared briefly at Bill, then turned back to Dipper, “So I had to call Wendy over here at 11:30 last night to help me haul your heavy ass back to your bedroom…”

“I’m not that heavy…!” He stepped outside as Wendy stepped inside. He knelt down and picked the bottle off the ground.

“Like hell you aren’t! You’re so much bigger than me now!” Mabel picked up a 25 cent bouncy ball and chucked it at Dipper's head as he walked back in. It skimmed off his glasses and flew out the door, disappearing into the woods. “You weigh practically twice as much as me! Not to mention how tall you are now!”

"Yeah, Mr. Scientist. Muscle weighs more than fat." Wendy chuckled as she moved behind the counter. She sat on the stool, finding an old magazine on a box and began flipping through it, crossing her legs on the counter and tossing back her short locks. “She explained the whole situation to me while we carried you to your room.” 

Bill changed into his chibi form and stood on the counter next to Wendy's feet. She glared and kicked him off. "By the way I told Gus and Marcus they had the day off. I figured you guys probably want your new roommate to be on a need to know basis."

"Yeah. That's probably a good idea for now," Mabel nodded as she watched Dipper head into the living room, kicking Bill a few times to trail the demon out of the gift shop with him. The two growled at each other while doing so.

\---------------

That evening, Bill entered the attic room, manifesting a lavish but plain colored bed and plopping face first into it. Waddles followed him in and approached the side of the bed, snorting excitedly. Bill turned to him and was immediately licked in the face. 

He grimaced, "Is this my lowest point? I, the great Bill Cipher, reduced to a mere fleshbag living in a spare storage room… being licked by a pig…"

Waddles attempted to get on the bed, but Bill twirled his finger, making an ear of corn appear above the pig, wiggling it back and forth before tossing it across the room. Waddles chased after it, jumping for it until Bill let go of it, he took it into his hooves and began munching on it with giddy grunts and squeals.

"Waddles!" Mabel cried out from downstairs. “Time for dinner!”

Waddles squealed and scampered down the stairs. Bill swiped his finger and the door closed with some slight force. He laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling, thinking back...

In the year 207̃012, clamor came from the stands as Time Baby stared down at a black, inky mass before him. The hourglass on his forehead glowed along with the inky mass as it morphed into Bill's triangular form.

"Oh yes! Finally! It feels great to be back in this form!" He stretched out his arms and legs, reaching one arm out to a group of the audience and snapping his fingers. Several members of the audience screamed as a large creature covered in tentacles and eyes appeared and began thrashing about, throwing people every which way.

"What are you doing?!" Time Baby bellowed.

"What? I'm just stretching." Bill reached his arm out to another section of the audience and several members turned to stone. No sooner did he finish than Time Baby's hourglass glowed red, trapping Bill in a similar red aura.

"Change them back! And return that creature to the realm from which it came!" *

Bill folded his arms and glared, giving an angry sigh. "Fine." He snapped his fingers, the creature disappeared and those turned to stone were normal once again. A blue aura surrounded his hand, a red aura surrounding several of the tossed audience members as he returned the back to their seats. "Happy?"

"I hope you understand why you are here, brother." Time Baby glared.

Bill closed his eye, turning away and letting his limbs dangle below him. "Stop calling me that. You're not my real family." After a moment, he turned back to Time Baby, a grin in his eye. "And don't tell me you're still upset about my disintegrating you."

"You know very well that is not the only charge against you!" Time Baby's hourglass turned red again as he slammed his palms onto his walker, sending out a wave that shook everything and everyone in the area except himself and Bill.

Bill chortled, floating up to Time Baby's face as he manifested his cane and used it as a prop. "And what are you going to do? Restrain me? You know the only way you could do that is if you used your own power. Now do either one of us really want to be locked up like that indefinitely?"

"You know, technology is an amazing thing." Time Baby smirked, motioning his hand to raise up a neck brace. "It really shows the ingenuity of lower life forms. It can also be used in conjunction with divine power to accomplish miraculous feats."

"Who- what are you- how dare you!" Bill cried out as a blue aura appeared around him, morphing him into a hairless, nude, male human form with one eye on the right side. As soon as the form solidified, Time Baby floated the brace to Bill's newly formed neck and clasped it. Bill cried out in rage and attempted to change into an array of different forms, only to be forced back into the human form seconds later. He also attempted several attacks, all of which quickly fizzled out. Exhausted, he growled, baring his sharp teeth.

Time Baby remained calm through Bill's myriad of tantrums, "This brace contains a portion of my power to counterbalance your own."

"Why the human form?! It's disgusting!" Bill cried out as he yanked at the brace, only to be shocked by the device, causing him to briefly lose consciousness, floating limply in the air.

"A weak body will force you to conserve your power. The brace will prevent you from changing forms, and the form will prevent you from removing the brace."

“Grrr…" Bill growled once again as he regained consciousness. His snarl turned to a grin as he chuckled. "Heh. I invoke Globnar.”

Time Baby shook his head, “Denied.”

“Hey!" Bill growled again. "Wait! No! You can’t do that!”

“Yes I can." Time Baby's hour glass formed a cone of light, manifesting several images to go along with his explanation. "As the grand authority of the events, if I feel the Time Wish would be too dangerous in the hands of the challenger or their chosen combatant, I have the authority to refuse the invocation. And I know _exactly_ what _you_ would do with a Time Wish.”

“Heh, heh. Damn.” Bill chuckled as he ran his hands over his body, clothes forming along the way till he was wearing a full yellow and black tuxedo with long coattails. Running his hand over his head, thick blonde and black hair grew out, resting softly around his head and neck. “Well, thanks for breaking me out of that Mickey Mouse operation, but it’s been real. I don’t want to look at your stupid face any longer than I have to.”

Bill snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. "Wait, what?"

"Did you think we were through here?" Time Baby glared down as he forced Bill to the ground where fifteen officers surrounded him and cuffed him, restraining him as they escorted him off the premises as he struggled in vain.


	2. Chapter 2

“First thing’s first, we need to get back to Oregon ASAP.” Ford said as he wrote furiously in his journal, then turning to type slowly on his cell phone. He and Stan were driving down the road along the Atlantic coast. “We’ll need to take a plane.”

“That’s gonna be a problem…” Stan said as he flipped the turn signal on.

“Why?”

“I’m not allowed on airplanes anymore. Actually,” Stan laughed nervously as he made the turn. “Officially on record, _you’re_ not allowed on airplanes anymore…”

Ford placed the phone on top of the journal in his lap, pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, “What did you do?”

Stan laughed it off, stopping at a light signal. “You know, it’s funny, I can’t remember!”

“That’s horseshit, Stanley! I _know_ you remember your criminal record!” Ford practically jumped out of his seat.

“No, really, it was kind of a drunken haze.” Stan scratched his head briefly before returning his hand to the wheel and crossing the intersection. “Has nothing to do with my erased memories! All I remember is a petition to remove July 13th from the calendar.”

“How… why… You know what. I don’t even want to know.” Ford sighed and returned to his journal.

Stan made gestures with his hand, hoving it over the wheel. “Why don’t we use that transponder doo-hickey? The kids got a receiver for that thing in the Shack, right?”

Ford gripped his pen and gritted his teeth. “No. I had Dipper turn that thing _off_ because _you_ lost it in a hand of poker against a kingpin on Lottocron Nine!”

“Oh yeah.”

Ford sighed, “I guess we’ll have to take a train. Or just keep driving.”

“We’ll probably have to let the rental company know we’re taking the car further then.” Stan chuckled.

\---------------

At the club in town, Dipper laid his head on the bar and groaned. "Bartender. Get me a glass of the strongest thing you got."

"I dunno, dood." Soos said as he turned towards Dipper, placing the beer mug he'd just finished wiping somewhere behind the counter. "You look pretty wasted already. I'm not sure I should be giving you any more alcohol."

Dipper lifted his head in surprise, "Soos? When did you start working here?"

"This week. Marie's decided she wants to be a prima ballerina when she grows up.” Soos smiled. “Gotta afford those shoes somehow, am I right?"

Dipper chuckled weakly, burying his head in his hand, "Marie's already at that age, huh? Reminds me, I haven't seen Melody or your kids in awhile. I should stop by some time."

Soos chuckled back, "Just do me a favor and try to be sober when you do, all right?"

Dipper returned his smile, "Heh. Right."

"But in all seriousness," Soos slid a glass of flat, cool water in front of Dipper. "Why are you drunk? I thought Pacifica swore you off alcohol after the Christmas party fiasco last year."

After taking the water and drinking it down, Dipper looked around them at the rather crowded bar and sighed. "I don't wanna talk about it. Not here. Too many people will hear."

Soos turned to a coworker and handed them his towel, muttering something. They nodded with a smile and took the towel, turning to some other customers. Soos flipped up a section at the end of the bar and exited, gesturing for Dipper to follow him over to the back area through a door labeled “Employees Only”. Dipper slouched off his stool and followed, guided and practically being supported by Soos’ arm.

Once in the break room, Soos helped Dipper sit down and pulled another chair up to face opposite him. “Okay, dood. No one will hear us here. What’s going on?”

Dipper sighed, “Bill’s back.”

Soos jumped out of his seat and backed away, “What?! Why _wouldn’t_ you want people to know _that_?!”

“Because he’s trapped in the Mystery Shack and nearly powerless. Mabel and I _apparently_ have to babysit him until Time Baby decides he’s off probation. It’s not like we want to keep it a secret, we just… We don’t want to cause any unnecessary panic. He can’t leave the Shack, which is practically on the edge of town. Most of the townspeople don’t even come there unless we hold an event. And his powers mostly only amount to a nuisance right now.”

“Guess that makes sense.” Soos picked his chair up, turning it around and sitting on it backwards. “So… Who else knows?”

“You, me, Mabel of course, Wendy, and I’m assuming Grunkle Ford and Grunkle Stan. I mean, if Bill’s loose, that must be because Grunkle Stan remembered him.” He pulled out his phone and checked it. “Oh. Yeah. They do know. I have a… slightly panicked text from Stan and a more… coherent one from Ford. I think. I’m too drunk to read either clearly, but I do see the name ‘Bill’ in both of them so… yeah.”

“Well, that certainly explains why you’re drunk, given your history since that summer.”

“Not to mention just… _dealing_ with him and his chaotic personality on a daily basis is exhausting. It’s impossible to tell when he’s telling the truth and when he’s lying.”

Soos stood and grabbed a coat off the nearby rack, putting it on, “Anyway, I’m taking my break and driving you home. Don’t want you wandering around town like this, and the club’s not the best environment for you right now.”

“Ugh. Thanks.” Dipper gagged a little as Soos picked him up and carried him out the back door, setting him in the passenger seat of a beat up pick-up truck. Dipper slapped his hands away, insisting he could buckle himself, but after four failed attempts, Soos took the buckle back and did it himself.

\---------------

“Dipper! There you are!” Mabel cried out and dropped the broom she was using to sweep the back porch as she ran towards Soos’ recently parked truck. Dipper opened the door and made three attempts to leave the truck before realizing his seatbelt was still buckled. “Where did you go?!”

Soos jumped out of the car and ran around to the passenger side, both him and Mabel rushing to stop Dipper from falling face first into the mud. Soos turned to Mabel after they helped him onto the couch. “Just how much has he had to drink? He walked into the club already pretty tanked. I had to refuse him service.”

Mabel buried her face in her hands, “I don’t know…! He somehow managed to find every drop in the house. I had to ask Wax Larry King to hide the mouthwash in the vents. But then Bill just teleported it back into Dipper’s hands! I threw it out the window! We need mouthwash!” 

“Dood, you need any help with all this?” Soos laid a comforting hand on Mabel's shoulder.

Mabel let out an aggravated sigh, “I’ll manage. You’ve got your hands full with your own kids.”

“Hm. If you say so. Just so you know, I’ll be here if you ever need me." Soos waved as he headed back to his truck, “Anyway, I need to get back to work. See you doods later!”

Mabel waved as she watched Soos drive off. She stomped her foot, turning to Dipper, who coughed and gagged in his stupor. “Just how did you get into town?!”

“Ugh…” Dipper moaned. “Robbie. He passed by the Shack on his way home.”

Mabel rubbed her temples, “I’m getting you some coffee."

As she entered the shack, Bill turned the corner and manifested his cane, sticking it tentatively out the door. Nothing happened. He grinned and twirled the cane a few times before it disappeared and he stepped out on the porch, leaning against the wall, arms folded. "Ah. So it appears the porch counts as 'inside'."

"Fuck off!" Dipper grabbed one of the throw pillows on the couch and chucked it at Bill. The pillow missed by a mile and bounced off the support post, landing in the grass.

Bill smirked, gesturing to himself, “I guess I should be flattered. Putting yourself through all this for me? I have devotees less loyal than you.”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I’m doing this _because_ of you, not _for_ you. Jackass.” Dipper coughed weakly a few times then fell asleep, slumped over the couch’s arm. Bill watched him in silence for a moment, the boy's face relaxing as he fell into deeper sleep. He then slowly moved across the porch to the couch, reaching his hand out.

"Uncanny. The family resemblance is really…" He brushed a few locks of hair out of Dipper's face and began to lean in when he heard a foot stomp and Mabel clearing her throat. Mabel stood in the doorway with a hot mug of coffee and a glare. Bill raised his hands up and backed away as Mabel sat down on the couch, rousing Dipper and handing him the mug.

“Ungh… Thanks.” Dipper moaned as he woke up and took the mug, blowing on it to cool it down before sipping delicately from the hot liquid. Once he drank most of the cup he leaned back into the couch. "I needed that."

After a few moments of silence, Mabel spoke up quietly. "You want to go to your room and take a proper nap?"

"Nah. I'll stay here on the couch. The fresh air will do me some good."

“Okay.” Mabel stood, taking the coffee mug as Dipper handed it to her. He then turned over to face the back of the couch and curled up to sleep again. She glared as she passed Bill. “Don’t harass him. He needs rest.”

Bill smirked, “I wouldn’t dream of it, Shooting Star.”

As soon as Mabel shut the door behind her and walked away, he chuckled, waving his hand to make Dipper float slightly so he could slip onto the couch, letting the boy’s head rest in his lap. “Too bad for her I’m a lucid dreamer and a compulsive liar.” 

He caressed his fingers along Dipper’s forehead, closing his eye. When he reopened it, he was in Dipper’s mindscape in his triangular form. It was a large library with tall windows lining one wall. Outside were multiple broken pieces of land floating at various levels. All of them had pine trees growing out of them, either right-side up, or upside-down. Looking around, Bill found the boy in a large aquarium tank against one wall filled with a slurry of various liquids; he looked similar to when he was a preteen and was curled up in the fetal position. Bill floated towards the tank, his arm stretched out when he was suddenly hurled into the fireplace to the side of him by a blast of energy. The fireplace lit up with flames that licked around him before he broke free with a deep breath and a grunt of effort.

"What are you doing in my mindscape, Bill?" A second Dipper stepped into the light, charging up a ball of energy in his hand similar to the one that had knocked Bill into the fireplace. This one looked the same as he did as an adult. “I don’t recall letting you into my mind.”

Bill adjusted his bowtie and dusted off his hat, “I don’t need to be let into your mind to enter your dreams, kid.”

"Either way, get out!" Dipper growled and shot another blast of energy at Bill, who opened a portal in the center of his body and let the energy fly in, closing it afterwards. "It's bad enough you're in my home! I don't want you in my dreams as well!"

"Well I have to eat somehow." Bill shrugged nonchalantly.

"No way. You're not eating my dreams-"

"Would you prefer I ate your sister's? Or I suppose I could eat from the pig's, but I get more nutritional value the more complex thought the dreamer is capable of. Or maybe I could just eat from anyone else who enters the building. You realize my options are limited."

"Okay, fine. Eat my dreams." Dipper sighed, gesturing to the other in the tank, "But keep your hands off him! You've done enough damage to him already!"

Bill floated up to the aquarium and watched the younger Dipper, who flinched and squirmed as the demon approached, sensing his presence. Bill watched the child in silence for a moment, then floated away, turning back to the older Dipper. “Very well, I’ll leave him alone. I’ll just take what I need and I’ll be out of here. Fortunately for you, my current form requires far less fuel. What you’ll get out of this short nap should do me for a day or two.”

“And next time don’t do this while I’m on the porch. What does this even look like right now?” Dipper closed his eyes, seconds later cringing. “Is my head in your lap….?”

The room began to shake and a staticky effect appeared over Bill as Dipper woke up. Back in the real world, Dipper sat up, turning to Bill with a glare and punching him in the cheek. “Don’t. Do that.”

“I have to maintain contact when in this form, kid.” Bill rubbed his cheek, not really affected by the attack.

“My head does not need to be in your lap!!”

“What, does that mean something to your kind?”

“Yes! It implies intimacy! I’m straight! With a girlfriend! Anyone could have seen that here!”

Bill chuckled, “Well part of that sentence is a lie.”

“What?” Dipper shook his head as he rose. “Forget it. I’m going to lie down in my actual bed. I’ll crack the window or something…” He stumbled off to his room, nearly bumping into Mabel as she headed towards the museum. 

“Dip! You need help?!”

“Nah. I’m fine.” Dipper slurred as he used the hallway walls for support. “Do me a favor and squirt the cat with some water, will ya?”

Mabel took pause for a moment, then growled with a glare, marching out to the porch where Bill was sitting on the couch still, now cross-legged and humming tunelessly to himself. She pinched his ear between her fingers and yanked, forcing him to stand up. Bill poofed into his chibi form and squirmed as Mabel dragged him into the Shack by the ear, “Ow! Ow-ow-ow! What is this sensation?! What are you doing to me?! Why does pinching the flesh on the side of my head hurt this much?! This is not fun pain. This is not fun pain!”

“What did I tell you about bugging him?!” She pulled him up to her face and shouted directly into his ear.

He glared and attempted to rub his ear, “I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I said it was just an honest misunderstanding of your fleshbag culture, would you?”

“Really? That’s the best excuse _you_ can come up with?” She let go of his ear and he floated away from her, rubbing his ear, dusting himself off and adjusting his hat. She looked between the doorway where she could hear tourists growing impatient and Dipper, who mis-stepped and smashed his face into his bedroom door before managing to open it. She then looked over at Bill for a moment, then pushed him towards the museum doorway. “I need to help my brother. You deal with the tourists.”

“Do I _look_ like a tour guide?” Bill folded his arms and legs with a pouty expression.

“Honestly, _yes_ ! Just manifest your cane, be showy and make shit up! Should be easy for _you_!”

Bill shrugged as he poofed back into his adult form, manifesting his cane and twirling it. “Touché, Shooting Star. Fine. I’ll entertain these simpletons.”

“Just don’t call them things like that! We want them to give us their money!”

“Ah yes," Bill grinned as he headed towards the museum. "Those pieces of paper and metal with mine and your dead leaders’ pictures on it you fleshbags think are ‘valuable’. You want them. Got it.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Wait. This can’t be right.” Mabel rifled through the dollar bills after she finished counting them from the register. “We have almost four-hundred dollars more than what we’ve been averaging the past two months. What… did we change anything…?”

She looked over at Bill who picked up a Stan bobble head and flicked it with his finger, watching it wiggle and bob its head with child-like curiosity. “No way…” She placed the bills back on the counter. “You! You didn’t do anything funny with those tourists I left you in charge of today, did you?”

“What?” Bill turned to her and approached the counter, placing the bobble head down. “I only did exactly what you asked me to. I was showy and made shit up. They were entertained just as you asked, not that it’s hard to entertain such simple minds.” He gestured to a display of rocks and crystals. “ I literally just manifested some of these stones and they started throwing stuff at me. The price tags were even still on them.”

He lifted his hat, a small handful of white pieces of paper with phone numbers and email addresses written on them fell out of it onto the counter on top of Mabel’s stacks of money. “By the way, what am I supposed to do with these things? They don’t look a part of your monetary system, and several of the tourists just handed them to me with no context except for a lot of giggling and blood rushing to their face.”

She cringed, “Huh. I guess to someone who has no clue who or what you really are you do look rather conventionally attractive.”

He smirked, “That’s nice of you to say, toots, but that still doesn’t answer my question.”

“They’re… phone numbers and email addresses. Giving them to someone in the fashion you described is kind of a love confession.”

“So what you’re saying is… these are offerings from loyal subjects!”

“No that’s not what- yeah, sure, whatever.”

\---------------

The next morning, Dipper stumbled into the gift shop with a cup of coffee and a banana in his hands, rubbing his head and leaning against the vending machine. He placed the coffee on a nearby display while he peeled the banana.

"So how's the hangover?" Mabel asked with a mocking smirk as she moved from the counter to start adjusting some fresh merchandise onto the shelves. Dipper only responded with a weak grunt as he bit into the banana. "I figured as much."

Dipper looked around, "Where's that darn cat hiding?"

"A couple families showed up so he took them on a tour."

Dipper choked on his coffee, "Tour?! You're leaving him alone with tourists?!"

"Wendy's watching him,” She explained the situation to him while he set both the banana and coffee down and was cleaning the splattered coffee off his glasses. 

“Well,” he sighed. “I suppose if it keeps him out of our hair even for a little while each day, you could make him the official tour guide.”

The door suddenly swung open and Gideon entered with a dramatic flair. “Well if it isn't Mabel Pines!" He cried out as Dipper and Mabel looked in his direction with an irritated cringe.

“Great. Just what I need, another manchild to babysit…” Mabel rolled her eyes.

Gideon approached the counter, pulling a silk rose out of thin air and holding it out to Mabel with a dashing grin. "What brings you here on this fine day?"

Mabel groaned, rolling her eyes again as she looked down at the flower, picking up a magazine and using it to hide her flushed cheeks, "I live here and work here. What are _you_ doing here, Gideon?"

Gideon leaned back against the counter, pulling the magazine down from Mabel's face. "Do I need a reason to drop in on the love of my life?"

Mabel snapped the magazine, forcing it to release from under Gideon's finger and returned it to her face, "I know your next break isn't for another two weeks. Meaning you came home for something specific. Not just to flirt with me."

"Fine." Gideon gave an exasperated huff, pulling out a futuristic-looking clipboard. "The Time Police have no concept of 'I'm studying get out of my dorm room' so apparently I have to come here every other week and make a 'surprise inspection' to make sure--"

"Surprise!" Bill cried out as he teleported in front of Gideon. In his surprise, Gideon screamed and launched himself over the counter and crashed to the floor behind the register. Meanwhile Dipper choked on his coffee again, this time spilling it all over his clothes, slamming his head against the vending machine glass and sliding to the floor. Mabel scooted out of the way of Gideon as she laughed out loud watching him rub his head trying to figure out what just happened. 

Bill chuckled as he folded his arms and legs, floating in place. “So… What is this ‘surprise inspection’ all about…?”

“Wait. Is that him?” Gideon asked as he rose to his feet, turning to Mabel. She nodded. Gideon stared at Bill in disbelief; seconds later switching to panic as he realized Bill was now holding the clipboard, reading over it. “Hey! Give that back!”

Gideon hopped back over the counter, reaching for the clipboard. Bill chuckled and floated away, causing Gideon to once again crash to the floor. “Oh look at this. Not only do I have to see a probation officer, but my behavior is to be monitored bi-weekly by an impartial third party…! Though…” He twirled his finger to make the flower float out of Gideon’s pocket and over to him, sniffing it once it was in his hand. “Is it really fair to consider you an impartial party? Sure you don’t live here, but certainly don’t you think you’d forge some details to rid your ‘beloved’ of me sooner…?”

“No way!” Gideon continued to reach out for the items in Bill’s possession in vain. “If the Time Police detect any alterations to those documents, they’ll put me away! And I will not go to jail again!”

Bill grinned, his finger igniting with fire as he slowly moved it towards the fill out boxes. “Oh really…?” 

His expression quickly changed to surprise as Dipper rose to his feet, rubbing his head and his behind as he grabbed the clipboard out of Bill’s hands and threw it at Gideon’s face. “Just be glad I hate the cat more than you, Gleeful…”

“Cat? What?” Gideon pulled the clipboard off his face.

Bill floated up behind him in his chibi form with cat ears on top of his head, sticking the flower into Gideon’s pompadour, “He means me.”

“Bro-bro,” Mabel sighed, rubbing her temple as she eyed the coffee stains all over Dipper’s shirt and pants. “Don't you have a class? Go change your clothes.”

Dipper looked down at himself, rubbing and tugging at the fabric, pulling off his shirt and balling it up in his hand. Bill watched him with intense interest as the boy bent down and picked up his discarded mug and banana off the floor, heading into the living room.

“Is he all right…?” Gideon asked as he pulled the flower out of his hair, smoothing his hair down and watching Bill float into the living room after Dipper.

Mabel sighed, “I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been sober since Bill was dropped off here. And he’s still studying! How he got through that Zoom conference with his academic adviser I’ll never know! I’ve tried cutting him off, but he just bummed a ride off Robbie to go to the bar in town! I really should let Pacifica know about this. She’ll sober him up.”

In the hallway, Dipper grimaced, “I can tell you’re following me, you know.” Bill poofed into his adult form and let his feet drop to the floor, picking up his pace to be right behind Dipper. Dipper stopped and turned around, glaring up at Bill, “What do you want?”

Bill continued to run his eye along Dipper’s arms and chest, occasionally shifting to meet his eyes. He reached his hand out to brush his fingers along Dipper’s shoulder, but the boy backed away with a suspicious look on his face. “Just making sure you get to your room safe, kid.”

Dipper continued to look Bill over with a doubtful expression, “Right… I have a class in ten minutes that I have to try and look not hungover for. I don’t have time to deal with _you_.”

\---------------

In the lobby of a mid-priced chain hotel, Stan raided the hotel’s breakfast nook, eating a fluffy yet plasticy pancake dry, fresh out of the machine. He pocketed an apple and grabbed a yogurt and a to-go cup of Froot Loops before he approached the front desk where Ford was just finishing up checking them out, stuffing the receipt and credit card into his pocket.

“You ready to go?” Ford asked as he grabbed the handle to his rolling suitcase.

Stan wiggled the cup of yogurt in front of his face, taking another bite from the pancake, “You should grab some breakfast, too. It’s free.”

Ford looked over the sugary breakfast items Stan had in his hands with judgement. “Really? That’s what you’re having? Eat something healthy!”

Stan shoved the last few bites of his pancake into his mouth and reached into his pocket to pull out the apple. “I got an apple.”

“Don’t eat with your mouth full. Mother taught us better than that.” Ford sighed and brushed it off, heading over to the breakfast nook, dragging his suitcase along. Stan grabbed his own suitcase and followed along. He grabbed a slice of Texas toast and slipped it into the provided toaster as he went down the line to grab other items. He placed a banana and an apple into his pocket, and a turkey sausage in his mouth, then grabbed a carton of milk and a hard boiled egg and shoved them at Stan, turning back to grab himself an egg and a yogurt.

“I was just gonna put the Froot Loops in the yogurt.” Stan said as he popped the egg in his mouth, eating it whole.

“I don’t care how, just drink the milk!” Ford growled as his toast popped up and he grabbed a pat of butter to spread on top. He then filled a coffee cup with orange juice, placing a lid on it.

\---------------

Dipper adjusted the volume on his computer as he wrote down some notes in a notebook while listening to his professor lecture in a Zoom call, rubbing his eyes to hide their tiredness and taking a long sip from a water bottle. He pulled the bottle down as he heard the tone indicating he had received a direct message, he clicked on it.

_Is that your sister’s boyfriend in the background? Or perhaps yours? :D He’s really cute. Must be loaded to just be casually wearing a tuxedo in the middle of the morning._

Blood rushed to Dipper’s face as he quickly minimized the message and turned around to find Bill rummaging through his bookshelf. He turned to the Zoom window he had open and made sure his mic was muted before jumping up and pushing Bill out of frame.

“Bill! I told you I had a class! Stay out of the frame!” He pushed Bill’s legs to make contact with the floor. “And if you are in frame, don’t float! Look as normal as possible! This is the one non-crypto science class I’m taking this semester, and the professor is very agnostic of the paranormal. I don’t want to cause a riot in the chat by having some guy levitating in the background!”

A tone chimed from Dipper’s computer as he received another direct message. His breathing hitched as he realized it was from his professor.

_I’m as tolerant of your lifestyle as the next person, but please keep it out of class time._

Dipper huffed and glared in Bill’s direction without turning his head as he sent a response.

_Sorry, Dr. Whittaker. That was one of my sister’s employees. He needed something in my room and forgot I had a class._

A look of horror washed over his face as he read his professor’s response.

_Do your sister’s employees regularly lay their hand on your rear? Keep the domestics out of class._

“When the…” He glared at Bill again, this time turning slightly to look at him as he lounged on the boy’s bed with his phone in his hands. “Did you put your hand on my ass?!”

“I’m not one to kiss and tell.” Bill smirked, opening a game app and starting to casually play it.

“You better not be kissing me at all!” Dipper fought the urge to jump up again and turned back to his computer to respond to more inquiries from his classmates about whether or not Bill was his boyfriend. “Can you change clothes? Like, are you able to?”

“I am.”

“Will you change into something more casual? You’re being very distracting to my classmates right now. You’re causing a riot in my DMs over discussing your potential wealth with that tuxedo.”

Bill chuckled as he floated himself into standing, “Very well.” He ran his hands over his body, changing into a pair of black skinny jeans and a yellow long sleeve shirt that was just see-through enough to be distracting. “Is this better?”

Dipper looked up briefly from typing on his computer then did a double take with his face flustered, gritting his teeth and trying to remain calm in front of the camera. "I told you to be _less_ distracting…!"

"You told me to be more casual. This is casual." Bill began walking towards Dipper, but the boy reached his hand out to keep him out of frame. His eyes grew wide as he realized he was pushing on Bill’s abdominal muscles.

“Oh why didn’t you just tell me you wanted to do that…?” Bill said mockingly as he licked his lips.

Dipper retracted his hand, pumping some hand sanitizer onto it and rubbing it in. “Just… get out of here already! And stay out of frame!”

Bill looked disappointed as he shrugged, floating over the computer, ruffling Dipper’s hair as he did so before opening the door and leaving the room. After closing the door, he turned to be face-to-face with Wendy. She looked him up and down in shock, biting her lips to try and not get flustered.

“I have even more questions now, but I’m not sure I want the answers.” She turned away nonchalantly and made her way back up the hall.


	4. Chapter 4

Later that afternoon, Dipper was in his room studying, chewing on his pen. He was roused from his books when he heard some papers rustling. Behind him he found Bill, still in his casual outfit, floating next to a bookshelf and rifling through a journal with the silhouette of a pine tree on the cover.

“Why do you show the tourists all that taxidermy garbage out there? All the interesting stuff is in here! Why am I not showing things like this to the tourists?”

Dipper jumped out of his chair and ripped the journal out of Bill’s hands, then returned to his desk, “I’ve tried that. Tourists don’t want to see the real stuff.”

“So it’s a monetary decision.” Bill casually grabbed another book off the bookshelf and started flipping through it. “I always found it fascinating how you lower beings like attributing value to rocks and pieces of paper. Though I would have thought someone of your intelligence would be above that.”

“Unfortunately,” Dipper wheeled back in his chair and ripped the second book out of Bill’s hands. “I’m not the decision department. It was Grunkle Stan. Then Soos. Now it’s my sister.”

Bill grinned as he waved his hand in a circular motion, making a book at the top of the bookshelf float down to him, “Oh so your sister is in charge of you?”

“No, she is not! I don’t even work for the shack! I live here to make use of the lab facilities!” Dipper leapt out of his chair and lunged at Bill to grab the new book, but this time Bill grinned wider and made the book float just out of Dipper’s reach. “Will you stop going through my books?!”

Bill chuckled and he crooked his finger under Dipper’s chin, sliding the fingers of his other hand along the boy's spine before cupping his rear. “Or what? What are you afraid of? That I’ll damage this one?” He backed away and snapped his fingers, materializing Ford’s third journal between them. “Relax, kid. If I so much as singe the corner of any of Fordsie’s journals I’ll be violating my probation.”

“And what do you care if you break your probation? You expect me to believe that you’ve actually reformed?” Dipper glared.

With another grin and a wave of his hand, Bill shoved the journal at Dipper with some force, causing him to fall back into his chair. “Of course not!" Bill cried out as he leaned over Dipper, spreading his arms and legs on either side of the boy to trap him in his chair, looking down at him with a hungry smile, baring his sharp teeth. 

"You think this is the first time that damn baby and I have gone through this particular song and dance? This happens every couple of billion years, one of us traps the other in a random dimension and the other spends the next few eons trying to escape. He's just extra pissed this time because I managed to disintegrate him. You have a sibling. You know what it's like. It’s quite simple, really. I want to get through this probation as quickly as possible so that I can get him off my back and I never have to see this... stupid podunk town or this dimension. Ever again. There are other dimensions I could rule after all.”

Dipper's breath quickened and became more shaky as Bill brushed his fingers along his ear to his cheekbone, “My one regret would be leaving you behind. You truly are the most interesting mortal I’ve ever met, Pine Tree.”

Dipper's face flushed as he swallowed a moan and tightly shut his eyes, thrusting his hands out, causing Bill to float back and himself to roll into his desk. “Hands off!” Taking a few deep breaths to calm down, he turned back to his work. “You expect me to believe that story? The Axolotl told Mabel and I that in order for you to be reincarnated- ”

“Listen, Mason.” Bill landed his feet softly to the floor and folded his arms. “Absolution of my previous crimes doesn’t mean that I’ve suddenly become a saint or something. In short, I’ve admitted my regret for the crime of destroying my own dimension. That and that alone was father's condition for reincarnating me, but as far as the crimes I’ve committed here on Earth, well, that’s why I spent the past 3,000 years in incarceration and have this shiny new necklace. Now for my probation I get to spend my days hanging out with you, Shooting Star and Ice Bag.”

Dipper turned back to his work and angrily mumbled something. Bill chuckled and touched his finger behind his ear. “Pardon?”

“Don’t _you_ call me by my _real_ name.” Dipper repeated more loudly, gritting his teeth.

“But it’s such a lovely name. Mason.” Bill draped his arms over Dipper's shoulders, burying his face into the boy's hair.

“Where did you even find that information?” Dipper turned back around with an unamused expression, pushing Bill's face back. “I may have let you into my body and my dreams but I never let you into my mind.”

Bill motioned his hand and made the third book he looked at float to Dipper, pulling a document out of it. “You really should find a better place to hide your birth certificate.”

“That book was at the top of a 10 foot bookshelf! William!”

“Cute how you think that’s my real name. But touché, kid.” With that, Bill teleported out.

“Hey!” Wendy called out, knocking on the door before opening it. “Everything okay in here? We could hear yelling all the way in the store.”

Dipper let out a groan, “Fine! The cat was just in here bugging me…”

“Meow!” A miniature version of Bill’s triangular form appeared on Dipper’s shoulder and purred, nuzzling against his neck. Without even looking at it, Dipper flicked it off his shoulder; after it floated back a couple feet, it poofed back out of existence.

\---------------

"So what are we going to call him around Gus and Marcus?" Mabel asked as she stared fronting some merchandise around the shelves. "Wendy can’t just keep telling them they’re on vacation, especially Marcus, the furnace needs some looking at. But if we call him 'Bill' they could likely tell the whole town and start a riot. It may have been eight years, but everyone is still pretty traumatized by, you know, him causing the apocalypse!"

“Hey!” Bill stuck out his tongue as he found a paddle ball toy and started playing with it, floating on his back near the ceiling. “At least with me you get the _fun_ apocalypse!”

“Not! Fun!” Mabel slammed her palms on the table she was arranging, then scrambled to gather the falling merchandise. She then paused. “Oh. Shit. Dipper. What are we going to tell our parents? You know how mom likes to drop in unexpectedly to get a look at her 'little scientist man' and 'little business woman’.”

“Ugh. You’re right…” Dipper looked up from sketching in a journal as he leaned against the counter.

“How about you tell them I’m one of your guys’ boyfriend?” Bill grinned.

“No way in hell!” Both twins shouted in unison.

“Anyway. What do we call him?”

"Tom?" Dipper suggested, turning back to sketching in his journal.

Bill cringed, not finding the toy fun anymore and tossing it to the floor, Mabel diving to catch it before it hit some snow globes. "Nuh-uh. I know a Tom. His anger management issues make me look downright civilized."

“You chased after us in a fit of rage declaring you’d turn us into corpses and disassemble our molecules.” Dipper looked up from his journal and glared. “There’s someone with less control over his anger than you?”

“Listen here, kid.” Bill landed softly on the floor, grabbing one of the snow globes before Mabel could stop him. He walked towards Dipper, tossing the globe between his hands. “My anger may be terrifying when I let it lose, but I am a very patient being. If I didn’t have a hold on my anger you would have been dead long before that moment. Tom’s anger is so bad he has his anger management coach with him wherever he goes. He sees his coach more than his royal advisers.”

“Wait, this guy’s a king?”

Dipper looked up as Bill leaned over him, slamming the globe on the counter, his eye darkening to black, “Excuse you, _also_ a king.” He pulled back, floating in place with his legs crossed. “And no. A crown prince. His parents will be retiring soon though. His father’s gonna die suddenly of a poisoning in about five months. Kingdom is going to be told it was a heart attack. The wife will be so grief-stricken she will have no choice but to leave the kingdom in Tom’s hands.”

Dipper cringed, “Can you not do that…? It’s kinda morbid knowing when people you don’t even know will die.”

“Why not?” Bill shrugged. “It’s one of my powers that hasn’t been taken by that stupid baby and restricted by this harness. Why shouldn’t I use it?”

“You better not be using this on the tourists!” Mabel cried out.

“Only to the ones that pay, toots.” Bill grinned and snapped a finger gun at Mabel.

“That’s not what I mean…!” she glared.

“You’re not going to do that to us, are you? Tell us when we’ll die…?” Dipper asked.

Bill stopped floating and looked at the two twins, his eye glowing an ethereal blue. A jumble of white text appeared in front of them. All the information was corrupted or blurred out except for one line citing the cause, where his own name was displayed. He grinned wider as his eyes darkened with malice, “Now whyever would I do that? That would just take all the fun out of it for me…!”

He walked out of the sales floor towards the tour room, twirling his cane and whistling _In The Hall Of The Mountain King_. The twins stared at the now empty doorway, agape.

“What do you suppose he meant by that?” Mabel asked wearily as she picked up the snow globe off the counter.

“I’d rather not think about it,” Dipper shuddered. “But whatever it is, if the idea of our deaths suddenly makes _him_ happy and quiet, that can't mean well for us.”

\---------------

That night, Dipper entered the attic room, it was completely dark except for the moonlight trickling in through from the window. He tentatively approached the window, looking out at the ground below. He jumped back when a yellow eye appeared in the reflection of the window. Realizing it was a reflection, he turned around, pressing himself against the window.

“Never thought I’d see you approach me, kid.” Several candles in the room lit with blue flame, revealing Bill sitting cross-legged at the top of a pile of boxes. He hopped down and approached Dipper, waving his hand to make him and a chair dance around until the boy was sitting in the chair. A table appeared between them set for tea as several miniature versions of his triangular form scurried about, pouring tea for the two of them and prepping several cute, little and yet horrifying looking sandwiches and pastries.

Bill floated cross legged on his side of the table, taking his own teacup and saucer and sipping from it. “So what do you want to talk about, kid?”

Dipper cringed looking at the display in front of him, watching the replicas run around, mostly tripping over themselves and each other, then raised his eyes to match eye contact with Bill. “What did you mean with what you said this afternoon?”

Bill let go of the teacup, letting it float beside him as he rested his head on the back of his bridged fingers, giving a knowing smile. “I said a lot of things this afternoon. You’ll have to be more specific, kid...!”

“You know what I mean!” Dipper stood and slammed his palms on the table, making the replicas scurry away in a panic, half of them falling off the table and poofing out of existence. “About when Mabel and I will die! You tell us the death of a complete stranger, casually mention it to tourists! But… when it… when it comes to me and my sister… you suddenly become uncharacteristically quiet.”

“You know, you’re really cute when you’re angry,” Bill turned his gaze down and took a sip from his teacup.

Dipper’s face flushed, “Just answer the damn question!”

“You really want to know?” Bill smirked, looking back up to make eye contact once again.

“Yes!” Dipper banged on the table again. “That’s why I’m asking you!”

“Truth be told, kid. I wish I could tell you when you will die.” Bill waved his hand, making the table disappear, stepping slowly closer to Dipper, the flames in the candles flaring up slightly. “Unfortunately, there’s a small problem with my clairvoyance. Could call it a glitch…”

Bill gripped Dipper’s shoulders, forcing him to sit back in the chair and whispered in his ear. “You see, I can’t predict the time and place of a person’s death if I’m the instrument of their demise.”

Bill pulled back slightly to watch Dipper’s reaction with cruel satisfaction washed over his face. Dipper looked up in fear, then glared as he grabbed onto Bill’s wrists and tried prying himself out of his grip in vain. The chair gave way under their struggle and they collapsed to the floor. Dipper continued to writhe under the demon’s grip as he slowly started moving his clawed fingers towards the boy’s neck. Bill then suddenly stopped with a wide grin, floating up away from Dipper and returning the room’s lights to normal.

“Or maybe it’s because of my necklace. Who knows. It does mess with my powers quite a bit. I’ve honestly never had this happen before.” He laughed as he returned to the pile of boxes and twirled his finger, making Dipper and the chair glow, shifting them around to look the same as they were before the struggle. Seconds later some stomping footsteps could be heard and Mabel burst into the room.

“What’s going on up here?! I heard a loud thud!” She cried.

Bill gave an overly innocent smile as he snapped his fingers, making the tea table appear again. A couple replicas appeared on Dipper's shoulders and tied a bib around his neck. "We were just having tea."

Mabel shot Bill a suspicious look, she turned to Dipper, who was shooing the replicas off and ripping off the bib. "Am I supposed to believe this?"

Dipper looked from Mabel over to Bill who was now facing him with a smug grin, mouthing "Do you really want to tell her?"

"Uh. Yeah." Dipper avoided Mabel's gaze. "We were having tea."

Mabel sighed, rubbing her eyes and the bridge of her nose, "Okay it's obvious you're both lying to me but I don't have time for this. I have new attractions to make. Some kid puked all over the Gnomicorn today."

She left back down the stairs as Dipper turned to the window and sighed. Bill motioned his hand to close the door and floated over to Dipper, placing his hands gently on the boy's shoulders, whispering into his ear. "It's a very bad idea to turn your back on a demon, you know. You never know what one might do given an opportunity like that."

Dipper turned back around and glared at Bill, pushing him away. "I can't believe I just lied to my sister for you. And over something as significant as the fact that you're gonna kill us one day!" He paused for a moment, averting his gaze. After a moment of silence between them, he let out a small huff. "What. Don't you have some cocky remark to say right about now?"

He looked up and saw that Bill was just silently staring down at him. He glared again, "What are you staring at?!"

"You look so much like him…"

"What? Who?"

"Stanford."

"Well he is my great-uncle. We're family. Of course we look alike." Dipper looked away, face flushed.

Bill reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind Dipper’s ear, letting his fingers trail down the boy’s cheek. “No. I mean you… really look like him. I feel like I’ve gone back in time or something.”

Dipper flushed deeper and his shoulders tensed looking down at Bill’s hand resting at his chin. He gripped the demon’s wrist and yanked his hand off. “What the hell are you doing?!”

Bill’s dazed expression snapped back to reality, he quickly hid it with a cocky smile, “Heh. I’m just messing with you, kid. You know me.”

“Tch. Whatever.” Dipper clicked his tongue and pushed himself past Bill, leaving the room. Bill turned and watched the boy leave as he slammed the door behind him. He watched the closed door for a moment, color rushing to his cheeks.

“Yeah… Whatever.”


	5. Chapter 5

Mabel pushed a papier-mache replica of a unicorn from the kitchen towards the museum when Dipper entered through the back door. He screamed and clenched his heart when he was face to face with the sculpture, which screeched to a halt with the sound. Once he realized it was fake, he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Mabel,” He breathed out heavily as he continued to clench his chest. “I commend you on how good your artistic skills have gotten over the years, but sometimes your exhibits can look _too_ real! I almost thought one of the unicorns had gotten themselves into the house!”

Mabel snorted as she poked her head out from the other side of the sculpture, “Ha! As if I’d let those jerks into the shack! Bill’s _more_ than enough of a magical asshole for this place as it is! We don’t need him in communication with unicorns!”

Dipper smiled, “Heh, fair point.”

“Anyway, where did _you_ go?” Mabel asked as Dipper stepped out of the way so she could continue to the museum stairs which she had already rigged into a ramp with an unfolded cardboard box. “You’re not drunk again, are you?”

Dipper laughed, “No, no. Nothing like that. Hey. You need help getting that down?”

“Sure.”

Dipper shimmied by and hopped over the railing to the floor below, grabbing the cardboard box and pulling it into a corner, running up to catch the sculpture as Mabel began pushing it down the stairs. “So if you weren’t getting drunk, where were you?”

Realizing the sculpture was a lot lighter than expected, he lifted from the bottom with one hand and walked down the stairs forward, using the railing for support. “I just needed some time alone out of this place. I was in the woods sketching in my journals. I talked with Multi-Bear for a while, he was out for a walk and wondered what I was doing alone in the woods in the dark. Add him to the list of people who know about our ‘special guest’, by the way. He’s promised to not tell any of the other creatures.”

Once they were at the bottom of the stairs, they let the sculpture down and Mabel started pushing it to the empty place she had set up for it.

“Where is he, anyway?”

“Hell if I know. I’ve been in the kitchen building and drying this thing for the past few hours since I last saw you. I didn’t even know _you_ were gone! I assumed you two were still up there ‘having tea’.” She stopped arranging the sculpture briefly to make air quotes.

“Wait. So neither one of us knows where he is?” A chill ran down Dipper’s spine as he felt a pair of hands suddenly grasp his hips.

“I’m right here, Pine Tree.” Bill whispered in his ear, briefly nibbling on the lobe. “I missed you~”

Dipper sighed and huffed, “Of course. Typical cat. Only getting into mischief if he can _annoy us with it_.”

“Of course! Where’s the fun if I can’t see the look on the face of my favorite little sapling?” Bill said as cat ears and a tail appeared on him, the tail twitching with excitement as he nuzzled Dipper’s neck. After a moment, he turned and smirked at Mabel mockingly. “What? Not trying to stop us?”

“I don’t have to.” Mabel returned his smirk with a bit of mirth. “He’s not drunk.”

“Huh?” Before Bill had a chance to react, Dipper had grabbed him by the shoulder and the elbow and threw him over his shoulder to the floor. Bill purred, moving his hands to look like cute paws, his tail twitching even more excitedly. “Ohhh, Pine Tree…! I had no idea you knew moves like that…!”

“You don’t have to say things that way!!” Dipper growled. He then sighed and headed back up the stairs. “I’m going to bed…”

Once Dipper was gone, Mabel watched Bill on the floor for a few seconds then returned to making the unicorn sculpture presentable for the morning. As soon as he was sure she couldn’t see him, Bill jumped up and silently floated to the top of the stairs.

\---------------

Dipper stepped out of his bathroom as he stretched and yawned, pulling his glasses off and laying them on his desk. He rubbed his eyes as he crawled into his bed and reached over to his bedside table to switch off the lamp. He turned over to face the wall only to be face to face with Bill, who was shirtless.

Dipper screamed, nearly falling off the bed but Bill grabbed him, pulling the two close. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?!"

"I'm hungry. I'll be joining you all night tonight."

"Like hell you are!" Dipper struggled to get out of Bill's grip in vain. "I thought you said my nap would do you for two days!"

Bill held Dipper tightly, scoffing, "Yeah. That nap you immediately woke up from then your sister prevented me from getting anywhere near you the rest of the night. I was able to stretch it out by eating from the pig, but now I’m starving and your dreams are so much tastier. If I stay with you all night I’ll be good for a week at least."

"And you need to bear hug me because…? Put a shirt on! I don't know where to look right now! And what part of this arrangement makes it necessary for you to grip my ass?!"

Bill smirked, "What can I say? I'm an ass man."

Dipper huffed, "Well I certainly agree with the _ass_ part… Can you at least let me turn over? I’m going to suffocate like this!”

“Oooh, so you want to be the little spoon, eh?” Bill said with an amused grin as he loosed his grip enough for Dipper to turn his back to him.

Dipper elbowed Bill in the solar plexus, “Don’t say that like I _want_ to sleep with you!”

  
  


\---------------

  
  


Early in the morning while it was still dark out. An owl could be hooting outside the cracked window as Dipper roused from his sleep and slipped out of Bill’s now more relaxed grip, dragging himself to the bathroom. Bill’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of urinating, followed by a flush and running water from the sink. Dipper opened the door before turning off the light; he watched as Dipper scratched himself in a couple places and let out a yawn that turned into a quiet burp. He went over to his desk and pulled open one of the drawers, reaching far back into it and pulled out a demi of Jack Daniels and a shot glass. After taking a shot, he let out a quiet sneeze.

“Heh. Cute.” Bill smirked.

“Shut up, my nose is sensitive to alcohol fumes.” Dipper took a second shot, slamming the glass on his desk. He then reached into another drawer and pulled out a .50 magnum. He charged towards the bed with it pointed at Bill until he was on the bed, straddling him with the gun pressed against his forehead. Bill chuckled and ran his hands over Dipper’s hips, eyeing him over, who responded with a growl and pressed the gun down harder.

“Stop that! Don’t you have any response to a gun being pointed at your head?!”

“Not really. I have no vital organs to be damaged by the bullet.” Bill flashed a satisfied grin, moving the chamber to his mouth. “And even if I did, as if I could die from such a meager weapon. In fact, where you’re aiming right now I’d be more concerned about you than me.”

“Huh?”

“That caliber of gun at this close range, you shoot me in the head and you just might destroy enough of it for me to escape my necklace.” Bill let out another chuckle as Dipper adjusted his aim to the demon's chest and took a shot. Bill grunted and moaned with pleasure. “Ngh. Mmm, yes. That felt good. I haven’t felt a bullet go through me like that since the Russian Revolution.”

“Not World War 2?” Dipper cringed as Bill inserted his fingers into the wound and started playing with his black, shimmery insides like it was a slime toy. "Or any more modern wars?"

“Nope. Large scale wars are too much work. Not really fun. Revolutions however…! Well, I was actually in Rasputin’s body when they shot him.” He caressed Dipper’s chin, trailing his slimy insides on the boy’s cheek. “You and Sixer would have liked him. You’re a lot alike. Smart… sexy… gullible.”

Dipper shoved the gun into the drawer of his nightstand then wiped the slime off his chin and slugged Bill in the cheek before climbing off him and turning away from him. "Shut up."

Bill smiled as he wrapped his arms around Dipper as the boy went back to sleep.

\---------------

The next morning, Dipper smashed his face into the doorframe as he attempted to enter the kitchen. Mabel was so startled the pancake she was flipping hit the ceiling, sticking for a few seconds before falling to the floor. 

“You want some pancakes, bro? Not… that one. Obviously.” She turned to Dipper as he opened the refrigerator and grabbed the water filtration pitcher as he attempted to pour it into a glass. Getting significantly less than he desired with half of what he poured landing on the floor, he returned the pitcher to the fridge and drank the glass down.

“Huh?” Dipper looked at the discarded pancake and gagged. 

Mabel raised her brow, then turned to Bill who had been sitting cross legged at the dining table in yet another casual yet distracting outfit with a yellow poet shirt with plenty of chest showing and black high waist pants. He turned his eyes from Mabel’s glare and sipped nonchalantly from a recently manifested teacup.

“He was sober last night when he went to bed.” Mabel gritted her teeth. “What. Happened.”

Bill shrugged, “What? We just slept together last night so that I could eat.”

After several moments of silence only interrupted by the quiet munching of Dipper eating one of the already cooked pancakes, Mabel thrust her spatula onto the stove and ripped off her apron, tossing it on an empty counter. She pulled out her cell phone and tapped on a contact as she stormed out of the kitchen. “That’s it. I’m calling her.”

After she left, Bill stood and sauntered over to Dipper as the boy continued to eat from the stack of pancakes. Dipper practically choked when he noticed what Bill was wearing. Bill chuckled, “So you do remember.”

“You were spying on my dreams?!” Dipper flushed as he avert his gaze.

Bill drew close, slipping a finger under Dipper’s chin, gently lifting it so they matched gazes. Dipper swallowed the bite of pancake in his mouth with great effort. “Hard to not look at what you’re eating.”

Dipper glared, pulling away and cutting himself another bite of the pancakes. “Yeah, you probably manipulated that dream.”

“Afraid not, kid.” Bill stared down at Dipper with dark amusement, cupping his hand under the brunette’s chin. “I can’t feed and manipulate at the same time when I’m like this. Even if my powers weren’t restricted, it would take more energy to do both than I’d be willing to put forth. Everything that happened there was one hundred percent you.”

Bill grabbed Dipper’s wrist and pulled the pancake into his own mouth. His eyes widened in surprise as he took a few more bites, “Wow. These are actually pretty good.”

“Yeah, once my sister figured out plastic dinosaurs were not a food item she-hey! Wait! No. What are you doing?” Dipper pulled his hand away.

“I wanted to try some of these pancakes, you were making them look so good. Besides…” He took the fork and cut another piece, shoving the bite in Dipper’s mouth. “Using the same fork is almost like an indirect kiss, isn’t it?”

Dipper’s face flushed as he spit out the fork and pushed Bill’s hand away, “Suddenly I’m not hungry anymore…”

As Dipper turned around, he slipped on the previously spilled water and flew back, landing softly in Bill’s arms. Bill chuckled, “I knew sooner or later you would fall for me.”

“Ugh! You’re driving me insane!”

“Naturally.”

\---------------

About thirty minutes later in Dipper’s room, Dipper was roused from his stupor of drooling all over his textbooks as a Styrofoam cup and a take out plate were dropped in front of him. “Huh?”

“Eat it.” Pacifica commanded as she opened the take out plate, shoving a forkful of spinach omelet into his mouth. She gestured to the cup as she also pulled a can of V8 juice out of her pocket. “That’s coffee. Black. Also drink this. I want you to eat everything.”

Dipper rubbed his eyes and put his glasses on, “Did you… grab everything at the diner you found on a list of hangover cure foods online and bring it here?”

“Maybe I did. And you’re gonna eat it and stop drinking.”

“But I--”

Pacifica stomped her foot, leaning down into his face, “I know exactly why you’re drinking, your sister told me everything. And if that demon bastard thinks he can just waltz in here and derail my future husband’s track to success, he’s going to have to answer to me!”

“F-future husband…?” Dipper looked at her wide-eyed as he shoved a bite of salmon in his mouth. “Really?”

Pacifica turned bright red and backed away, her wide eyes matching his own as she covered her mouth, “Oh my gawd! Did I just say that out loud…?”

They sat in silence for several seconds as Dipper shoved a few sweet potato fries in his mouth and guzzled down half the can of the V8 juice. “I like the sound of it.”

He stood and turned to her, leaning down to kiss her, but she stopped him. "Uh, no offense, but you smell like whiskey, vomit, bear musk and fish. Why don't we try again after you wash up?"

“Not gonna offer up our usual arrangement…?” Dipper smirked, wrapping his hands around her waist.

Pacifica giggled as she turned her nose away and shoved him towards the adjoining bathroom. “You smell ripe even for you. Now go.”

“Darn,” Dipper chuckled as he closed the door behind him.

After dressing down, Dipper opened the curtain and stepped into the shower. As he ran his hands through his hair, getting the water mixed in, he heard the door open and close. The clacking of heels traversed the floor to the toilet where he heard the top lid bow under the weight of someone sitting on it.

“You decided to follow me in after all?” His question was met with silence. He sighed. “I know. I know! You’re mad at me. I told you I wouldn’t drink again after what happened at the Christmas party, but… Well, you were there! You know what Bill is like! And now I have to fucking _live_ with him! He keeps saying and doing a lot of weird things. Even for him. Things that make me feel vulnerable.” He wrapped his arms around himself and let the water cover him.

After a moment, he slowly reached to grab for one of the bottles in the caddy hanging from the shower arm. He poured some of the gel into his hand and began lathering it into his hair. “I haven’t told Mabel yet, but I received a rather panicked sounding text from Grunkle Stan saying he and Ford were approached by the Time Police much like Mabel, Gideon and I were and are on their way back to Oregon. Seems from our perspective his memories only returned in the past week, while for Bill it’s been 3,000 years. Stan’s still pretty traumatized by the experience.”

He paused to rinse the shampoo out of his hair. Grabbing a washcloth, he poured some body wash into it and began rubbing it into his shoulder, “And he’s just been an asshole since he got here, too! He has no concept of privacy and-”

The door clacked as it opened again, letting in a waft of cold air. He heard Pacifica’s voice at the doorway, “I brought you a change of clothes and some-” She suddenly stopped and let out a high-pitched scream. “What the hell are you doing in here?!”

Dipper froze as he heard a shrill laugh come from the direction of the toilet. He poked his head out of the curtain to find Pacifica at the door, her hands clenched up to her mouth, a set of his clothes scattered around her feet. Over at the toilet, Bill was practically falling off as he continued to laugh hysterically.

“Oh, stars! I didn’t expect you to just exposit your entire life’s story to me, kid! I thought at most you’d make a few cringey lovey-dovey comments thinking I was Llama. But… If she hadn’t come when she did I don’t know how much longer I would have lasted…!”

“Get the fuck out of here, Bill!” Dipper screamed, throwing a shampoo bottle as Bill poofed into his chibi form and scurried out of the room, continuing to laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Not sure how I’m going to naturally exposit this, so Mabel’s room is now Stan’s old room, and Dipper’s room/study is the room that was the focus of Carpet Diem. Also, for a fun Easter Egg, run Bill’s prisoner number through the A1Z26 cipher. ^_~


End file.
